Man Glossary: College Football Edition

Now that college football season is approaching, it may be helpful for me to pass on some of the womanly knowledge I've gleaned over eight years of marriage.  New brides, take note.  You need to know, there is not only morse code, there is also a man code.  During football games, his communication skills may be reduced to a series of grunts.  Don't take this personally...he really wants you to be around to enjoy the game with him.  He just has a different way of expressing it until the end of the quarter.  Here is a glossary to help you decode the mystery of manly football language:

Grunt Cues
short = That was a good play.
long = That was a bad play.
short, short = Please move out of the way, I can't see the play.
long, long = I can't believe I'm rooting for this team.
long, long, while covering his eyes with his hand = Why didn't they fire this coach last year?
short, short, short, long, long, long, short, short, short = SOS, my team really needs help.
long long short short long = Bring me another Pepsi, please.
short, short, short, long, long (he'll usually stand up here) = What a bad play, I can't believe they're running up the middle again, wait, it's, HE THREW IT, HE CAUGHT IT!

Other Miscellaneous Cues
"What?! What?!" = That was a bad call or unfair penalty.
screaming, dancing = His team got a TOUCHDOWN!
moaning while covering face with hands = Opposing team got a touchdown.
weeping = Ohio State got a touchdown.
dancing, "Hee, hee, hee" = Ohio State lost a game.
snoring = This game is moving very slowly.
<unintelligible rambling> = he's trying to explain a play to you, just smile and appear interested.  He'll stop at the next snap of the ball.

PS--This is a great time to use the man expressions "He's a beast!" or "Boo-yah", but only when the television is showing a player from his team.

****Editor's note:  If the phone suddenly begins ringing off the hook right after his team plays, DO NOT PICK UP!  It's probably all his friends calling to make fun of him.  He's too devastated right now to deal with them. However, if his team soundly beats the team of one of his friends, bring him the phone immediately.

Sit back and enjoy the crossword...er...I mean football games!